There is Always Time to Pause and Listen
Delayed Responses Are Thoughtful Responses
*My daily pauses usually involve the sky, and we have some stunning sunrises where I live.
I have never been a quick-witted individual. My timing is always off, and I usually think of something clever or a rebuttal long after the fact—a flawed trait that I loathed about myself.
Although I still get angry when words escape me, I no longer consider my delayed responses a weakness.
My ability to observe and listen has been a lifelong skill acquired mainly because of my introverted nature. I followed a tradition of speaking when spoken to until I began to implode. Raising my voice and storming about as a teenager at home was my modus operandi. There was plenty of obnoxious vocalization and very little listening at that stage of my life.
Breathing and taking a pause was not on my agenda.
Being Patient with the Pause
I held my tongue in public mainly because I was too scared and insecure to do otherwise. However, I have discovered that holding back allowed me to hone my observation and listening skills.
If exercising my voice does not move the situation needle in a helpful direction, I keep my mouth shut. Trial and error has taught me continually to read the room. I still screw up on occasion, but if I allow patience into the picture, it will help me to seek the opportune time to speak.
I find that responding too quickly to a text, email, or comment always results in regret. Something significant or nuanced passes through my brain unnoticed or denied in my abruptness. This is true for anything we do quickly and without careful contemplation. Rash, rapid-fire responses are too often the norm because everyone wants to be heard. The ego takes over.
The result: we fail to listen.
Staying under the radar is a preference, especially if what I have to say will diminish someone or what they have said. I prefer to keep quiet, pause, and listen intently.
Mind you, I don’t always listen. It continues to be challenging to unravel and reshape this behavior. But when I consciously pause and listen, the connection is stronger, and my ability to absorb those other voices is so much more satisfying.
Lessons on Listening
Some real intense lessons in listening were learned when my daughter was working through her addiction and recovery. I believed I had so much advice to give based on my age, knowledge, and experience.
Which is embarrassing and laughable now. I clearly did not have the background needed to help anyone dealing with substance use.
My so-called parental wisdom had nothing to do with what she needed or wanted. It was not my call. Spewing a bunch of “you should do this” and “you could do that” would not provide any incentive. In fact, that is the last thing any addict wants to hear. They carry enough shame and guilt for a thousand people.
So I listened a lot. It's not an easy road to take when what you hear runs the gamut of gibberish, fantasy, self-loathing, lies, begging, and crying out for help. Under the influence, there is no reasoning or rationale.
On the flip side, when in recovery, it's anger, frustration, and depression as reality sets in and the guilt takes over. It's a no-win situation all around.
I continued on my path of listening and responding with as much honesty as I could muster, even as my own hidden thoughts went down some deep and dark holes as I considered escaping from it all.
As I listened, her true thoughts and feelings came to the surface. This led to a better understanding of her identity and how she saw herself. Slowly, she regained her self-respect, and my respect for her deepened.
“Noise creates illusions. Silence brings truth.” Maxime Lagacé
The beauty of being silent, pausing, and listening with intent is the opportunity to experience ourselves and others more consciously. Giving credence to the importance of what is conveyed through words or internal gut feelings.
This is not rocket science. It is about setting aside our egos and hanging back for a change.
Keeping our mouths shut and taking a pause.
It seems tricky, especially for those who carry preconceived or ill-conceived notions of themselves and others—carrying on as if they know it all. When, in fact, knowing little. Everything and everyone changes every single day, every hour, every minute because of the environment in which we each inhabit.
There is so much to be gained by sitting quietly, absorbing the insights of others, listening to ourselves, and observing the sounds of nature. It becomes imperative to live a more full life and with compassion for humanity.