Solitude: Accepting Is as a Means To Survival
The idea of solitude evokes fear. A general uncomfortable feeling of silence. Having no one around to tell us what to think or do can be unnerving. Along with that, silence comes an uneasiness with the unknown. Who are we without others around?
Solitude is a source of enjoyment and calm for the enlightened few. However, when forced, solitude brings little joy or comfort, at least not initially. Being compelled into isolation during the pandemic, even for a short time, was excruciating for so many.
When thrust upon us, we resist solitude’s presence with all our might. We vehemently deny that being alone could possibly be good for us. Or that getting to know ourselves without round-the-clock distractions is somehow vital to our survival.
Solitude: Revelations
What makes solitude or being alone with ourselves and our thoughts so terrifying?
Right as the pandemic began, my daughter was living alone in a studio apartment in Portland, OR. She was working hard to keep the demons of her substance use disorder at bay. AA and NA meetings were not meeting in person, and Zoom was the mode of operation. Initially, she expressed her dislike for Zoom. As time went on, Zoom became a sporadic lifeline to recovering people with an addiction all over the world, my daughter included. She learned to feel their energy in new ways.
Being able to draw energy from others was how she had survived prior to 2020. Helping others help themselves at the risk of her own recovery is how she excused and further buried her own demons.
She relapsed two times in 2020. They were short, as were many of her relapses. And I believe, as she does now, the pandemic encouraged her to come face to face with herself. The raw and trauma-filled truth of who she had become. She no longer wanted to put up with her own bullshit. Her words.
Living alone allowed her the respite she so desperately needed to face the whys of her substance use. The constant noise and activity of those around her, when forced to reside in a house of recovering people with an addiction, finally fell silent.
Throughout all the recovery programs she experienced, the times she was allowed solitude were the most fruitful. This is where she began to feel gratitude for what she had gone through, to discern the silver linings and start her healing process. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Both her dad and I are of the “solitude is vital” camp.
The day she began appreciating periodic detachments from the outside world is the day I knew she would be okay.
We Are Never Really Alone
For me, when working alone in my studio or writing, I see and feel the presence of personal connections from the past, present and future everywhere. My soul is always connecting, on some level, to every single person, place and thing I come in contact with throughout my life. It is both gratifying and overwhelming. And takes being alone to come to this conclusion.
I will be driving down the road by myself, and all of a sudden, a personal memory or vision pops into my head. This recollection is often related to something I am presently working through. Or it may be prompted by an image or action currently in play.
The flashback serves as a reminder of something that is often not immediately clear. But it will be eventually, if allowed, which is vital if that revelation is to have any significance.
This kind of reminiscence does not happen when you are surrounded by the minutiae of everyday life and people. Our monkey minds cannot fully grasp them when we are constantly distracted. And most folks do not or can not take the time to recognize these epiphanies. Often because they are afraid of the implications.
These personal revelations can only happen when it is just you alone with your soul.
My daughter knows this now. And I see it so much more clearly because of her experience.
Stereotypes and the Side Effects
Society dictates who we are from birth. Sad, frustrating, but true. From clothing to toys, gender roles to career paths, to worn-out, unrealistic traditions and expectations.
How can we possibly get to know who the hell we are and feel a level of comfort in our own skin when stereotyping has us flagged from the beginning? And so many of us accept these as truths or at least as the path we must take to survive.
Pigeonholing is such a lazy way of assessing humanity.
Granted, there are many standards of behavior or needs we all share. The foundation of human survival is common among all of us, including the basic needs for food, water, shelter, and sleep. Beyond those basics, our lives develop and diverge based on lived experiences and our DNA.
When we do not give ourselves the time and space to feel and be who we are, our mental health languishes. We become shadow figures and enslaved people to the environment in which we unconsciously trap ourselves.
The goals we set often leave us dissatisfied. Because more often than not, those mile markers were set by societal standards and target marketing, not by us. Must we follow so-called “trends” that do not account for the disruptions that occur in our own lives? Or are we constantly hit upside the head and told to buck up and keep robotically moving no matter what?
It is agonizingly complicated. This further cements the need for silence and solitude if we are to sidestep being hammered into submission by popular opinion through marketing and overly imposed traditions.
Coming to Grips with Solitude
The secret is out that society has been experiencing a mental health crisis for decades. More recent world events will tell you that continually shoving mental health issues under the rug leads to the death and destruction of humans. And eventually the demoralization of humanity.
Thankfully, more and more people are opening up about their struggles. They have taken the time to dive into who they are at the core—searching and exploring their souls, facing traumas and stereotypes that have plagued them for years. Only individuals can do this for themselves and by themselves.
Certain parts of society are slower to recognize the importance of self-reflection through solitude. Many have been riding the wave of that good life they’ve forged for themselves. So why bother? Or on the other end of the spectrum, basic needs are going unfulfilled, and desperation for food or a place to sleep is the only thing on their radar. For some, solitude as a form of self-reflection is a luxury, not a necessity.
Too many of us get caught up in the dizzying pace of society and fail to notice we are losing the battle of self-discovery. Times of solitude do not and cannot exist when you are on autopilot, no matter your station in life. Busyness persists in its detriment to our mental health.
Solitude: A Deeper Look at Its Value
“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” Anonymous
We escape our reality every single day while immersing ourselves in the latest mainstream media, mass marketing, or social network junk news, essentially deserting ourselves via the lives of others. Our own family and friends are not excluded from this scenario.
To know yourself takes time and changes throughout your life. It is not easy, usually uncomfortable, and will need reassessment from time to time. You must ask whether knowing yourself is essential to surviving and thriving. Do your thoughts, dreams, desires and feelings have value and purpose? Are you worth the time?
Allowing someone to control your narrative is a form of surrender. Each of us is responsible for and to ourselves. For some, that responsibility is too much. People everywhere, every day, give up their identities in the name of someone else. We all have been subject to this control on some level in our lives. Fearing the truth about who we are makes us hesitant to step out of the shadows.
Take small steps.
Solitude — A Renewed Light
The value we place upon who we are and the connections we make throughout our lives will not only serve us when we are in solitude, but also enhance our lives when we are in the presence of others.
We are the only ones who can honestly know or understand who we are and what we want. The only way we can truly focus on that understanding is to be alone with ourselves periodically. The pandemic gave many of us that opportunity, whether we wanted it or not.
I have been a loner most of my life, not physically, but in my head. The pandemic has given me a renewed perspective regarding solitude as a means to my survival. Tuning out the world and looking inward through silence, creating, walking in nature, writing, reading, listening to music are my means of survival via solitude.
“Without solitude, no serious work can take place” — Pablo Picasso.
Image — Latent Muse, mixed media monotype
I chose “Latent Muse” to accompany this article because of the figure that leans in quiet reflection, resting, still, alone within a cocoon-like environment, shielding her from any distractions. I imagine wrapping myself in a blanket, sitting in front of a fire, watching the flames jump and recede, or closing my eyes, feeling the warmth, delighting in all of it, recognizing the joy in my soul that I am giving myself time and space to be alone. Even if only for a short time.
Michelle, your writing is alway fascinating and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing your writing. Jean