Shyness, its definition, as well as others, for the sake of comparison.
Shy — 1. bashful, retiring 2. easily frightened away 3. Suspicious, distrustful, or wary. 4. Reluctant
Selfish — Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. Egocentric.
Selfless — having little concern for oneself, especially concerning fame, position, money, etc., unselfish. Altruistic, humanitarian.
I fall into parts of each of these definitions, which many folks do.
Shyness and Its Complications
Internalizing my true thoughts about what is going on around me is what I have always done. Although less so these days, I still engage in this kind of retiring behavior. When acting out my shyness, I am examining and reflecting on my observations and experiences without directly dealing with judgment from others. I can sit with my own thoughts, experiencing anger, frustration, jealousy, happiness, and amazement, and then set them free without retribution.
Cloaking myself in a shield of “shyness” for years, I sought protection from outside scrutiny. What others think is a constant hovering cloud. To a much lesser degree these days, but nonetheless, present.
When examining the definition of shyness, this behavior can be described as being easily intimidated by the judgments of others, essentially avoiding conflict.
Having always been wary or distrustful of others and their motives would explain why getting close to anyone has been difficult at best. I am one of those people who does not have friends I have known, been close to, and loved since grade school. The wariness of others, early on, led to my obsession with being self-reliant and often alone as I got older.
We have all experienced being stabbed in the back. And as a hypersensitive being, those are events one does not forget easily. Most of the backstabbing comes from people who did not give me the time of day or chose their own narrow-minded perspective. Or worse, basing those perspectives on false information. This is one of the main drawbacks of being shy. The shield intended to protect me, but left me open to judgment anyway because of my silence.
Selflessness and Protecting the True Self
When I dig deeper into some long-held beliefs, I realize that my shyness essentially shields me from my true self. In addition, I have figured out that what I am doing in my shyness is not only protecting myself, but also protecting the feelings of others. Which sounds a lot like selflessness; a concern for others at the expense of my truth.
This is an all-too-common behavior among women, especially. Carrying the burden of culturally induced female expectations and doing it with a forced smile. Pretending everything is hunky-dory by retreating into the business of being who we are supposed to be, which is anything but our true selves.
This is where a great deal of my anger manifests. Suppressing what is true in order to maintain peace creates a deep and lasting resentment within my subconscious. I have been holding on to a great deal of that anger from childhood. Which still rears its ugly head on occasion.
Shyness Includes Self Centeredness
Being the oldest of the four siblings, there was little time to be by myself as my parents were tending to the needs of the younger members of the family. I was often left to my own devices when I could take care of myself. Typical for children growing up in the 1960s.
I can now openly admit that I was never an active participant in my siblings' lives. Yes, I was expected to babysit when I was a teenager, but I was the one child who preferred to be left alone. My preference had nothing to do with not caring for my siblings; it’s just that I was in my head more than I wasn’t.
Once puberty hit, I was often labeled the moody, emotional one of the family. I rarely smiled, always angry at something.
As I come to terms with my youth, I realize now that I was not so much a moody b**ch as lost, not knowing who I was or wanted to be. Being left alone was a way to figure it out. My siblings always seemed pretty carefree, had lots of friends, and got along with almost everybody. That was not my modus operandi. I tried, but was uncomfortable in my own skin. So anger was the response, and self-centeredness became the prominent behavior.
Via reading and writing, I discovered that shyness at its core is indeed self-centeredness, which most of society deems selfish. I disagree, unequivocally. Not with the fact that shyness is being self-centered, but that being self-centered is somehow selfish. That wanting to know yourself, be in your skin, love yourself, or even just like yourself, is somehow wrong.
This assessment offends me.
The Excess of Selfish and Selfless
Of course, there are extremes to being selfish, just as there are when one is selfless. Narcissists on one end and martyrs on the other. Moderation within that spectrum is vital.
I am not even close to either of those ends, placing myself in the middle most days.
When I am moving toward the narcissistic side of selfishness, I am listening to my ego as opposed to my solid intuition. But as with most things in life, it is vital to go where we should not in order to recognize our limitations or boundaries. Remembering that our actions influence others, directly and indirectly. There are collateral disturbances with almost everything we do (some good, some not).
To help others, we must first help ourselves. Acting in our own self-interest to some extent is crucial.
Being Shy, Serious and Okay
I remember sitting on a park bench once, contemplating the river. I was on a break from work or school. A man approached me and asked if I was okay. Why?, I said. “You’re not smiling”, he stated.
Seriously? I remember that brief but indelible encounter to this day, which was over 30 years ago. That engagement made me angry on many levels. I was enjoying a moment of silence in nature. What does smiling have to do with anything?
Like many women, I grow weary of the labels: difficult, emotional, moody, high maintenance, or too passionate. These descriptions linger over me simply because I choose to be serious at times or more authentic, which may be too direct for some. A smile is not included in the exchange.
I laugh plenty when there are things to laugh about—often laughing at myself. The importance of laughing is not lost on me and hearing the laughter of others brings me joy. When meditating while walking or going about my daily routine, smiling or cheerful behavior is not necessarily part of the equation. Smiling does not indicate my well-being or anyone else’s, for that matter.
Being agreeable with a smile on your face is a cultural expectation among women. In the most basic sense, it can often mean shut up, be still, smile, no one wants to hear what you have to say. I know this sounds pre-1950s, but the assumption still lurks beneath the surface of many an encounter.
A smile or cheerful disposition can often hide what is really going on inside of us all, especially if we are doing it to please or appease. Think about the class clown or office prankster and why they are vying for that kind of attention. Or the sweet, quiet, always polite student whom no one knows, but says hi to everyday. We all know them or are them.
Looking into someone’s eyes is a better indicator of how they are doing. It is a deeper, more authentic manner of knowing a person’s state of mind.
Traversing the Shy, Selfish and Selfless Spectrum
So, how is it wrong to become more true to yourself? Is it selfish or self-centered? If it is, is that so wrong? How else are we going to come to terms with who we are if we rely only on the perspectives, opinions, and criticisms of others who do not occupy our minds or bodies? How else can we help others if we have no clue how to help ourselves? When we act and speak our truth, it may be initially painful for others. But that pain will subside as we learn and begin to understand the truths about who we are without 24/7 analysis.
Fortunately, this is where my life as an artist continues to save me. I have found ways to expel most of those resentments and anger through my work in the studio and my writing. Expressing my inner thoughts visually allows me to release them. Surprisingly, the work I create does not appear angry. It may seem mysterious and moody, but my imagery does not assault you with rage. My subconscious works through these feelings using nuance and subtlety.
Admittedly, there are times it can be a heavy and tiring daily slog. Anger has many different levels of delivery and exposure.
“Sometimes, simply by sitting, the soul collects wisdom.” Zen Proverb
Image: Gentle Existence, acrylic, 20" x 24"
I chose “Gentle Existence” for this blog because the work was inspired by nature and how I feel when I am in it. Whether looking out my studio window, sitting outside on my deck, walking along a trail, or meditating in the open, I can do so without scrutiny from the sky, river, trees, birds, flowers, etc. I can be with whatever feelings I have at the moment and then set them free. Scream in anger in the middle of the forest and let it go. Dream and wonder as I look out toward the sunrise, marveling at the hues. I can be selfish, shy, and selfless all at the same time. As I am alone, nature gives me an abundance of beauty, and I give to her my admiration for her magnificence and vastness.
Deep and interesting blog about shyness, selfish and Selfless. Thank you. ‘Look into someone’s eyes’. This is so true. Just because a person is or is not smiling doesn’t mean they’re truly happy, content, angry or sad.