Shedding Rugged Individualism In Order to Connect

Why does the interest of individuals supersede that of community in our society?

“Release”, acrylic on canvas, by Michelle Lindblom

In my early 30s, I worked with a therapist to help me with some relationship dilemmas. At the base of those dilemmas were my unrealistic expectations of others, a common toxic thread in many relationships and daily life.

The therapist caught on quickly that avoiding my personal quandaries led me to judge the actions and characteristics of others. My judgments were a mirror of my own denied and undesirable traits. Furthermore, when I was unable to live up to my own standards, I judged others in an attempt to raise myself up.

Judgment's Foundation - Rugged Individualism

The community I grew up in was as whitewashed and conventional as many small communities in mid-America, void of much cultural diversity. Judgment and prejudice were deeply ingrained and not openly expressed, hidden below the surface so as not to ruffle feathers or stir up the status quo. Everyone acted normal to fit the expectations of the community.

Survival.

Feeling like an outsider in my own community, my own family, I played along to fit in.

Which meant the onus was on me. I was to blame for feeling abnormal. Thus, the reason I finally sought therapy at 30 years old. Because it was outside the realm of what normal people do (or so I thought), I kept those therapy sessions a secret.

I was brought up under the guise of rugged individualism. The "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of individualism. Reaching out for professional help was weak, expensive and useless.

Rugged individualism has gotten me through, but more often than not, left me empty. Feeling alone, not always lonely, but left to my own devices. Trusting a few while internally judging others as incapable of assisting in any purposeful way.

So, What is Normal Anyway?

The definition of normal is conforming to the standard or common type, usual, not abnormal. What does that really mean? What is standard...common...abnormal? Who decides what is normal and abnormal? Is normal a static way of being?

Why is the pursuit of individual rather than common or collective interests rated with higher regard in our society? I have come to believe that rugged individualism is based in fear: fear of others, fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of appearing weak, fear of love, fear of diversity, fear of being shamed. These fears are all based upon deeply held judgments of others and, of course, ourselves.

If we go it alone, we are not beholden to anyone or anything. We are responsible to no one—an often lonely and empty existence.

What purpose does that belief system serve?

Everything is Fine?

When you spend most of your childhood, teens, twenties, and thirties consciously and/or unconsciously judging others, it seems almost impossible to break those ingrained cultural behavioral patterns. It takes conscious effort to move out of our individual and like-minded group bubbles to realize how destructive those judgmental behaviors can be to individuals and communities at large. Coming to terms with learned behaviors that no longer serve the greater good is a personal desire for me.

I have found it easy to talk about, but not always easy to act upon. The learning curve is steep, but not impossible.

How does one escape the sterile environment of their youth? My upbringing was white, middle-class, unassuming, and uneventful. It seemed safe. But was it?

Safe because no one said anything out of the ordinary for fear of being judged? Or safe because true feelings, personal traumas, and disappointing inadequacies were stuffed below the surface, so as not to stick out beyond what was considered normal and sane.

Is it safe because, on the surface, everything appeared fine?

The "everything is fine" mantra has always led to individual and group suffering. A suffering which manifests itself in passive-aggressive behavior, anxieties, depression, addiction, physical/verbal/sexual abuse, and a myriad of other issues.

Society has and is currently experiencing what results when acting "normal" is the expected standard.

Time to Shed

So much time wasted playing the "normal" game. I spent years acting the part, knowing deep down I was not being true to myself, denying what my heart was saying. Even if I did listen, I seemed incapable of acting, out of fear. The truth lay dormant.

I have spent a great deal of time living for and judging the needs of others. My judgment was frequently presented in a passive-aggressive manner. Fulfilling the expectations of others while rage enveloped me.

Now, when I catch myself making judgments, I pause to consider the reasons behind them. Why am I putting myself into the heads of others? Who am I to know what they are going through? Do I want people judging me for those reasons?

The mirror reflects.

My goal is to assist others without judging their need for help. It’s not easy to hold back my two cents. I have to make a conscious effort to keep my mouth shut, listen, observe and act with empathy.

Empathy = Connection

Compassion and respect for ourselves and others do not come easily in our hyper-judgmental society. The mantra "You are not like me and do not share my views, therefore you are the enemy" drives so much of the narrative these days.

Counterproductive to a world starved for connection. It is disheartening, but I have realized that I have been guilty of perpetuating this narrative.

The current global crisis has exponentially expanded our like-group bubble status. Being confined to our safe spaces makes it difficult to seek connections beyond the false barriers created.

I consciously work to counter my judgments with compassion. This is how I begin to understand that everyone has a story and deserves to be treated humanely and with respect. A complete understanding will not necessarily result, but facing differences for what they are is the key to moving beyond judgments. This takes intense conscious effort.

I am aware, now I must act.

Image

"Release", 46" x 36" acrylic on canvas. Not knowing it at the time, but this work of art was directly and indirectly tied to the untimely passing of my father, who had suffered a great deal of pain during his battle with cancer. Pain he did not reveal, because he wanted to put on a brave face. The piece represents in color, shape, movement and depth, the release of pain, regret, expectation, judgement, shame, and harmful beliefs. Freeing oneself to move toward compassion, truth and authenticity. https://michellelindblom.com/product/release/

Michelle Lindblom Studio