Redefining Family and Why Now?
Because We Are All Suffocating and So is the Earth
Early Musings
In my 20s and early 30s, I had little desire to raise a family. The reasons were plenty. But the main apprehension is a general unease about a society that promotes outdated traditions and belief systems. That edginess I felt is unchanged. And it has only been fortified as global capabilities are disintegrating through our feeble attempts to accommodate the populous.
So many unrealistic societal rules are critiquing and manipulating humans from the day we are born and at every turn. How can this be a place for impressionable young minds, imperfect bodies, and innocent souls?
Especially when we all seem to be in an endless race against time and cultural expectations. Giving little credence to our well-being and Mother Earth’s capacity. Much less to innocent little people needing our undivided attention.
Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others—a wise statement on so many levels.
Many of these thoughts derive from my own hypersensitive, self-conscious, environmentally aware and shy existence. Had social media existed in the ’60s and ’70s, I would not have survived. And many of our children in this century are indeed not surviving. They are feeling the weight of the world upon their still soft shoulders. Suicide rates among youth are skyrocketing.
Realities we cannot stuff under the rug.
The Unspoken Tradition
There has always been a patriarchal expectation that women bear children without questioning the motives. Do it so humanity can continue in perpetuity. No matter the detriment to Mother Earth, economies, health, educational systems, food and water supplies, jobs, the environment, climate change, and countless other issues. Ludicrous in this century.
There is also the bizarre expectation that creating a traditional family is necessary to expand a legacy, a namesake. Males get the upper hand here. Why is that still a thing?
It has never been part of my mindset. But I am also not a man, rich, powerful, or an aristocrat. I have never had the desire to duplicate my being just because I can. I find the concept egocentric.
The inequities and misconceptions surrounding family, motherhood, fatherhood and children continue. It all makes my blood boil and fills me with sadness. The lack of childcare, maternal/paternal leave, empathy, choice, fair treatment in the workplace and toward those who choose to stay at home. And let us not forget that shaming single motherhood and those who choose not to have a traditional family still exists. Boggles my mind.
Fortunately, more women are choosing either not to have children, putting it off until THEY ARE READY, adopting, or terminating. However, as we all know, there is a whole other population that is unable to make these choices.
Not to mention, states that are persistent in rolling back the rights and choices we have fought hard to achieve. What century are we living in anyway?
We are not getting any smarter, just more steeped in the patriarchal past for fear of losing control.
The Conversation
My spouse asked me after we had been married about six years, “Why don’t you want children? It’ll be fun.” I snapped and said, “You’re kidding me, right?” This is a person who has just completed medical school and residency (a 12-year process). I was just beginning my work as an artist and educator. Why the hell does he want to continue the madness of complicating his life, my life, with the addition of children? We had a dog, which was plenty in my book.
He grew up on a farm, spending much of his time in rural America, where traditions run deep, and duty and obligation often took precedence over rational life. I grew up in a small town with similar conservative traditions. But we were worlds apart on numerous customs that permeated the environment in which we resided.
When he asked me that question, I was not in a good place, which is why my reaction was snarky. We had just moved back to the Midwest. Feeling as if I compromised by moving back to a part of the country I had longed to escape, I was in no mood to follow midwestern family traditions.
My state of mind was that of a rebel.
The Vortex of Tradition
Once we settled back into our Midwest existence, I continued pursuing my education, art, teaching and traveling. Most women my age were raising children—some at home, some working.
Worrying that I was getting too old, my concerned friends and family began asking that annoying question, “So, when are you going to start a family?” Or worse yet, as I held the baby of a family member or friend, “Oh, that baby looks good on you”. Argh!!! It truly is no one’s business. These are decisions that deserve a great deal more consideration than following societal dictates and conventions.
Slowly and without total awareness of what was happening, I found myself slipping into the traditional mindset of my environment. Unconsciously, I began to relinquish some of my more rebellious thoughts.
I was in my 30s, and the scrutiny from family, friends, and community was palpable. And the imposed pressure of that damn biological clock was messing with my ovaries. To make matters even more strange, my spouse had a bet with his work colleague/best friend about whose wife was going to get pregnant first. At ten years younger than me, she won the bet. Their son is 9 months older than our daughter. When I think of that bet now, I cringe.
At least this pregnancy was planned, unlike when I was 18.
The Tug of Motherhood
No innate heart strings were pulling me in the direction of wanting to be a mother. My dreams did not involve motherhood. I do not recall having a favorite doll that accompanied me everywhere. Instead, I had an imaginary friend and paper dolls, which were all the rage in the 60s. That may give you an indication of my lack of mothering sentiment. Can’t hug and coddle a cardboard cutout or an imaginary friend.
Eventually, I grew to see the innocence in a child’s eyes as a wonder to behold. They come into this world observing it without filters.
I have no regrets about having my daughter. She has saved me and no doubt made me a better person. Two and a half years after she was born, I got pregnant, miscarrying early.
I knew that the universe was suggesting to me that one child was enough. I was guided to follow my heart and define what family meant to me.
Family — A More Viable Definition
We are far beyond the need for children to work in the fields or factories, as was the case before the 1950s. Continuous population growth to fuel our economy or to fulfill some misguided traditional obligations is unsustainable and no longer rational.
The 21st-century definition of family is expanding and no longer requires common DNA. Family can and should be anyone that we love and with whom we want to share parts of our lives. Individuals can and should be able to define their own family based on their unique situation.
Society has no business making those rules. And we need to stop following them if they don’t fit within the lifestyle we have chosen.
Teaching elementary through college gave me a window into the worlds of my students and the sometimes arduous roads they were navigating. We engaged with and learned from each other. I treasure that time. Which, to me, is another kind of motherhood and another definition of family. Those of you who are educators are well aware of this.
For many, family is a community of people caring for one another. They often feel more at home, appreciated and loved by those who do not necessarily share their genetics. These communities evolve and adapt as situations change.
I know many people who have chosen not to have children, for a variety of reasons. Their lives are whole. They contribute to the definition of family that is unique to them. I honor and respect their chosen path.
Family — Balancing the Emotional and the Rational
Children are supposed to give us hope for the future. Right?
Well, I am not an alarmist or a romantic, I am a realist. The reality is that there are too many people in the world and not enough resources to go around. We see evidence every single day. Breaking my heart and sometimes my spirit.
If we are at all truthful, there are many things we would all abandon doing if we rationalized the pros and cons. This is why so many of us just dive in and hope for the best. Overthinking is bad; denial is more palatable. Besides, everyone else is doing it, we will manage. And we do manage, but at what cost?
Our decisions affect the innocent ones who do not have a choice in the matter, at least in the beginning. They have to carry on in a world we constructed for them. And, of course, every generation must deal with these scenarios.
However, I simply feel that it is becoming more difficult, more intense, and less encouraging.
As an artist, a creator, someone with a vivid imagination and the ability to solve problems, I am concerned that many are not (concerned). That many continue acting in oblivion. Strapped tightly to traditions that no longer serve the greater good.
This is the time to think, even overthink, how the definition of family affects the greater good.
Image — “Earth’s Mourning”, acrylic on canvas
I recently finished this painting as a response to global climate change and the state of the world in general. The universe is constantly providing us with clues on how to navigate and become more in tune with our surroundings. The title of this piece is more than just about the earth mourning, but a universal mourning. The pandemic is one of the more recent global crises. These signs can give us time to redefine our roles and our purpose, based on what we now know, rather than outdated cultural mores. We can no longer ignore these cues or put them off for later.