It is difficult to fully express the emotional waves I’ve been navigating the last few months and, more severely, as those waves have transformed into tsunamis. If you are at all alive and of this world, you are feeling it, too.
My stomach aches as acid churns up from internal spaces unknown, ultimately manifesting itself into actual physical pain. My heart feels as though it has sunk into the depths of my bone structure, not wishing to return to its rightful place in the middle of my chest, only to be broken and exposed to the mayhem that is before us.
It may sound dramatic, but our emotional state of mind is reflected in our physical body. Our body knows us better than we do. To feel, whether it’s pain, joy, anger, or empathy, indicates we are alive and aware. If our emotional stress leads to physical pain, it is time to face the music, take action and mitigate it.
I spent a few days in the San Juan Islands recently with my spouse. Because February is usually an awful month to begin with, no matter what year it is, it was “more than the usual” brutal this year. I needed to get away from my routine, which lately has suffered from periods of, does anything I do matter syndrome.
Since moving here last fall, exploring the beauty of western Washington State is on our list. So, escaping to an unknown place, immersing ourselves in the trees, the rain, the water, the sand, and all the things that nature offers at little to no cost became an emergency, at least for me. My spouse is a low-key kind of guy and much less prone to the everyday drama of life. He attempts to bring me down from my elevated state whenever it gets out of hand. My modus operandi is to resist, as this is how I prefer to handle things. It is what makes me, me.
Unfortunately, the trip to the San Juan Islands was, in some ways, depressing. The joy and buoyancy I usually feel when traveling someplace new were sadly lacking. My heavy heart continued to weigh on me throughout the time we spent in the woods, on the beach, at our B&B, and walking around the quaint town of Friday Harbor. I couldn’t shake it.
It did not keep me from absorbing the beauty I experienced; it was just different.
I kept ruminating about how all this could be lost with increasing climate change issues and horrendous, ill-conceived policies that will affect everything from National Parks to transportation to service workers to food supplies to mitigating disease and even death.
Every person I encountered while on this trip had me speculating about how they cope with all that is happening around them. Are they working more than one job? Do they have kids? Can they make their rent? How is their mental and physical health? I have always contemplated these issues, just more now than ever.
My 30-year-old daughter does not believe she will live into old age. This breaks my heart, but it does not surprise me as she sees the world for what it is becoming. My daughter and I have had many profound conversations about the fate of our country and the world. This kind of intense thought did not overly occupy my mind at her age.
Since moving out west over ten years ago, I have found solace and peace in nature where my mind and body can ground and recenter itself. I can usually free up headspace and focus on the smells, sounds, shadows, light, and textures I encounter. My best ideas blossom while I'm in natural settings because I allow myself to be free and unconstrained.
More so these days than ever, I can’t in good conscience go about my daily life thinking everything is hunky dory when it’s not. I can not feel at ease when so many people are scared out of their minds and do not know whom they can turn to for assistance as the bottom falls out of their safety nets.
What the hell is wrong with us? How did we get here? As I mentioned in a piece I wrote about LA and the fires, we are all to blame. But blaming accomplishes nothing.
Every few decades, it seems, we must get hit with a multitude of two-by-fours (figuratively speaking) to realize our indifference regarding the fate of others outside of ourselves. If a selection of citizens are stripped of their freedom to go about their lives and care for their families and loved ones, we will all suffer the same fate eventually.
When we deny shelter and health care to people, they will most likely end up houseless, whether that be couch or hotel surfing, living in their cars or out on the streets. This is not the result of laziness, so often the reason given by those holding the purse strings.
If someone is arrested for their beliefs, which conflict with the powers that be, but they have not committed any crime, we are all at risk of losing our voices.
Suppose thousands of jobs are slashed to prove an ill-conceived policy is worthy. The result is that we all suffer the results of higher unemployment, economic distress for those displaced workers and their families, reduced services across the board, and the list goes on.
What we are experiencing is realizing that decades of believing in the freedom for all in the United States is a damn myth. History has been whitewashed, saturated in racism, and guilty of being religiously biased and classist. These beliefs are deeply ingrained in our culture and have been passed down through our ancestry.
Thankfully, throughout history, citizens have chosen to fight openly and actively. In contrast, others have stood by and watched as marginalized people are denigrated and treated as lesser than their oppressors. The awakening unfolding is the result of ignorant, boneheaded actions taken by the few who feel they know what is best for the rest of us.
Historically, this does not bode well for those holding that power. The people rise up, but often not before real horrors happen.
I am sick to death of people judging others for whatever reason. What a damn dull and lifeless world this would be if we were all the same. Anyone worth their salt knows the beauty and importance of diversity. Our ancestors came from all over the world to begin again here in the United States. We need to remind ourselves what they went through to get here and then how they survived against tremendous odds.
Although I still believe in the essential goodness of humanity, some will never fall into the category of doing the right thing for the good of the collective. Our cultural fascination with the rich and famous, money and power - the roots of all evil - is quite disgusting, harmful and unsustainable. If you are familiar with human behavior, you know that hurt people hurt people.
It is a frustrating and debilitating scenario, to put it mildly. Karma will be there to greet them at some point along the way. In the meantime, there will be a light at the end of this tunnel, it may look different than what you or I expect.
Create your own joy to reach that light.
My 26 year old also tells me he will not live to an old age.
The fear is real.
As an involuntary response, I find myself looking at what those in movies do when faced with such things. (Most recently, in “The Rings of Power” during the rise of Sauron. ). Patience is seen. Patience and thoughtfulness when they are helpless, or even uncertain of consequences or of danger. But passionate action when opportunities present themselves…and most eye opening….Having one’s back and/or protecting others even in the heat of battle.
I see loss.
I see pain.
I see circumstances where the good guys get slaughtered.
So I prepare myself, my heart for such things. At the same time I resolve to protect others around me as much as I can. I will focus on that resolve. I pray that resolve will replace my despair.
This life is fleeting.
I will try to be a light even as darkness closes in for as long as I am permitted.
You, Michelle are that light in the dark. I thank you for your courage and conviction. Keep up the fight!