Constant stream of emotion,
ruminations, ideas, fears
running through my mind.
A mind that does not rest.
Commiserating, overanalyzing life.
Morning routines meant to calm, fail.
The desire to just be
is too arduous.
Reactive versus proactive.
Uncertainty versus normalcy.
Wanting to sit in the moment,
only to be slapped
with news, desperate calls,
hateful posts,
indignant looks,
social injustice.
Society living in a fantasy.
It seems too much to bare.
Exhausted.
Exhaustion and Rage
There is only so much an individual can withstand without being filled with a sense of rage.
Feelings of anger have always been with me, lurking deep within my soul. Remnants of the past. That anger sees the light of day when my subconscious decides its time to reveal it on a canvas. Or when I take it out on inanimate objects. Or those times when I verbally lash out at myself or a loved one. It is exhausting.
The rage has nothing to do with bitterness, in my case. Victimhood has never been my style. But it has much to do with total exasperation.
When rage is erupting, it bubbles to the surface. Manifesting itself in all kinds of ways. Weak, pessimistic? Possibly. But my wiser self prefers to view it as potential for growth, despite how awful I may feel inside. Feelings that include the negative aura of energy that comes with it. Exhausting.
Rage is unhealthy when it sits idle in the mind and body. The hamster wheel turns relentlessly. Resolutions seem futile. Old behaviors revisit with a vengeance. The rage that comes to the surface can be either met with indignation or intent.
In any case, the rage revelation is necessary.
Living In It
Of course, there are things we can do to minimize the external and disruptive noise that envelope and render us exhausted. Stop watching the news, avoid social media, not talk with friends, cut ourselves off from drama. Personally, I can lock myself in my studio and create art.
Problem is, I know that part of being an artist, for me, is living in the world. I cannot, NOT be in it. The work I create thrives on my daily experiences and my responses. It matters not whether they are local to me or universal. I feel them and they must be expressed.
Part of my exasperation is that I know not everyone has outlets or the resources in which to express what they are going through. Many are in survival mode, functioning day to day, sometimes hour by hour. This is certainly not a new phenomenon, but it has expanded exponentially in recent years. Doubtful that it will dissipate anytime soon.
I feel a sense of overwhelm regarding the fate of others that I have not felt before. I am exhausted for them.
Transitioning Our Rage
We all struggle with our own emotional well being. Putting on a brave face is the modus operandi. I know it is for me.
But if the body is not healthy, it will manifest within, via dis-ease, illness, aches and pains. If the mind is not healthy, it will lead to behaviors that spawn depression, anxiety, compulsive tendencies. Putting on a brave face can only mask reality so long before something explodes or implodes.
Luckily, I am astutely aware that my mind needs conscious and constant tending. Because it’s overly active and often compulsive state can send me to the brink of total exhaustion. Which can lead me to the point of no longer feeling much joy in anything, not even creating art.
I am not special here. This is a societal issue.
Therein lies the transition that appears to be taking place. The pause in the world has led me, and I believe others, to face the internal rage that exhausts us and is literally forcing us to meet it head on.
On a personal note, I have been here numerous times before, but this time is different, more intense, more dire.
Our collective well-being is at stake.
Tending the Mind
My desire to learn and do is more plentiful than ever. Ideas are circling in my head ALL THE TIME. I can’t seem to get enough of what is available to absorb. Then a global and national crisis ascends upon us all and the pause button rings abruptly and now it seems, endlessly.
I have cursed this universal rest period. It is responsible for my rage and the rage of many. My energy is dampened.
But, I am keenly aware now of what needs tending. What I value is being readjusted.
Breath in what you want and let go of the rest. Be present. Don’t take it all in. What is truly desired will rise to the surface.
Image — Extricating the Psyche
“Extricating the Psyche”, acrylic on canvas was chosen for this blog post because it represents in vivid color, shapes and movement, what the energy of the psyche looks and feels like when released from within. That release can be exhausting and sometimes painful, but it is powerful and vital for growth.
Trite but true, I hear you. For what it’s worth, I have changed my pallet. More muted grays of all variations. Using water based oils - blending more. Not so much drips and runs. More confined and meditative. Almost like modeling clay on canvases. Less splash and dash. Less frenetic. Just a thought only an artist would understand - inner peace through paint.
Interesting, insightful, blog…as always. I also have noticed more anger inside myself. I attribute it to having more time to myself, fewer outside distractions, that are allowing me to be more aware of situations/interactions around me. I believe this is healthy to a degree, Vs stuffing and/or ignoring, i am facing the anger. I’m trying to be purposeful in handling my anger instead of it leading to resentment. I don’t want that. The world is definitely in a state of turmoil…I agree, be aware of what’s happening and then know when to turn off the tv/radio/social media. My heartfelt prayers for the courageous Ukrainian people, their leaders, the neighboring countries who’ve so generously opened their doors, those who have traveled there to be along side them, and also for the innocent Russian people who are bravely protesting against their government.