December 29th, 2022
The Transition
She entered the final epilogue of
a physical being mired in pain.
A mind immersed in grief
longing to be anywhere but in
its present state of being,
a slow, conscious, and unconscious descent.
Having to let go without being in her presence before
taking that last breath
left me with a deep and raw sadness.
Along with a heavy dose of guilt
that had been living off the
perceived expectations lodged in my mind.
Assumptions associated with being the eldest daughter.
That same guilt I sheltered
driving away, waving and watching
her in my rearview mirror.
She was standing alone in the driveway
of a home I was moving
from to a new chapter in my life.
All the while longing for the
previous chapter in her own life before dad died.
The desertion on her face etched hauntingly in my soul.
Never outwardly expressing
the burden I carried in silence up until the day
she entered the culmination
of her presence on earth.
My heart continues to grieve, and the guilt subtly
remains in the background.
Her presence is everywhere.
along with her pearls of wisdom, which come up
when needed.
This has become her next chapter, a transition
into the metaphysical.
Her influence, everlasting.
My mother entered the hospital on December 23rd, 2022, and took her last breath on December 29th, 2022. Her breathing tube had been removed, and time was not on anyone’s side. I made last minute flight plans in the hopes of seeing her one last time.
Sitting in the Denver airport the morning of the 29th, my daughter and I called to talk with Mom, letting her know we were on our way, but if she decided it was time to go sooner, we understood. She was not able to speak, but my brother held the phone to her ear.
Waiting to board the 55-minute (but delayed) flight to our final destination, we received the phone call. The holidays and all the chaos that often goes with them derailed our last encounter, which is what my mother wanted. It was her time, and I was okay with that ending.
** Holidays are difficult for many who share loss of any kind, whether it be self, children, parents, friends, job, home, health, pets, etc. Seeking picture-postcard cultural perfection during these winter events is unrealistic and dishonest. What can be done is to seek joy daily in the little things that make us smile. This is how we move through those losses in our attempt to come out the other side.