Coloring Within the Lines
A childhood myth that stymied my creativity in more ways than one.
I could have filled a series of books, 1000 pages each, with all the coloring book pages I meticulously labored over as a child. As I honed my fine motor skills, there was not a millimeter of color outside of the lines. My freakish obsession with staying within those lines correlated with my need to receive praise for my preciseness and avoid any rejection from those who would scrutinize the results.
Coloring Book Hell
My fragile ego could not handle any level of criticism. Staying within the confines of the HEAVY BLACK OUTLINE was a way to keep from being ridiculed or shamed. I know that seems extreme. But therein lies the childhood myth that weighed me down.
As a young child, I recall the numerous coloring contests that kids would enter at various retail stores and restaurants. Those who received praise and prizes had perfectly rendered their subject matter, not a single mark outside of that heavy black outline. The tree tops were green, the sky blue, the clouds white, and the horses brown. Onlookers would commend the perceived perfection and scoff at the kids who chose vivid and unrealistic colors, filling the page with crazy marks that defied the rules of the heavy black line. Messy and uncontrolled.
My tendency to restrict my creativity in order to avoid any uncomfortable confrontations did not begin or end with the coloring book outline. I have addressed my rule-following addiction in one of my blogs entitled “Going Along to Get Along.”
Abstract Concept
My public persona was about following the rules, playing the safety and comfort cards. Instead, anxiety and physical pain were the cards I was dealt daily. Why was my head telling me one thing and my body (specifically my stomach) revealing other truths about what safety and comfort really meant? Desiring comfort and actually experiencing it are two distinct entities. One was based in reality, while the other was purely abstract.
Our culture encouraged/encourages us to think with our heads and discard what we feel with our hearts. Heartspeak is too complicated, mushy, weak and irrational.
Staying in my Lane
Following the rules meant staying in my lane and keeping a low profile to avoid attracting attention. Standing on the sidelines was easier, less intimidating than crossing over to the other side or venturing outside the HEAVY BLACK OUTLINE that I placed strategically before me. There would be no chance of rejection or need to explain because I rendered myself invisible.
Staying in my lane also provided me with approval from those who had little time for uncomfortable discussions or explanations. Everyone was safe.
It was all a facade. Still is.
How this Childhood Myth Affected my Art
Being tightly wound and hiding behind the self-imposed rules of the heavy black line was bound to lead to an explosion or implosion of some kind along the way.
First, it came in the form of passive-aggressive behaviors, not always evident to the recipients. Or demonstrated through physical manifestations such as slamming doors, stomping feet, and yelling done in the privacy of my childhood home, which eventually spilled into my adult dwellings.
My early college work had some psychological overtones, but I used traditional subject matter to express myself, such as figurative, interior spaces and landscapes. Staying within the lines was still prevalent in the work. However, I was inching outside the line.
Explosion Beyond the Line
When I look back at where the explosion beyond the heavy black outline began, it seems the seed was unofficially planted when visiting New York City in the early 1990s, specifically viewing contemporary art. Seeing and feeling the impact of a Mark Rothko, Helen Frankenthaler, Clyfford Still, Joan Mitchell, Alexander Calder, Louise Bourgeois, etc., on such a large scale, blew me away. Still does.
Sure, there were a great deal of external and internal influences before that time, but synchronicity came into play. I still feel a sense of wonder about how I got to this point.
Instead of mapping out a strategy for keeping within the lines, I chose a path of ebb and flow. By allowing my intuition to guide the content and even the color choices, I am giving voice to years of blind devotion to the rules of that heavy black line and denied creativity.
My subconscious is rich. I continue to create with spontaneous abandon.
Image: Emotional Graffiti
I created this piece recently during a workshop called “Emotional Graffiti”. The piece unfolded in sections, each with its own intention, such as: what do we want to leave behind, what do we aspire to, and what is beauty to us. I now, with regularity, color beyond the heavy black line in many aspects of my life, not just my art.
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